At Least I'm Not Blonde...

BLONDE MALE:
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a baloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the baloney and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."


BLONDE FEMALE:
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, so we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

The Repairman

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

The Poopie List

Years ago, I came across 'The Poopie List.' Like all good things, it is still making its way around the internet. In honor of my post at SunnyDaze, here is a list of the many different kind of poopies in our lives.

THE POOPIE LIST

Ghost Poopie (ghostus poopius) - The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie (cleanius poopius) - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie (drainiuges poopius) - The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie (startulus secondus poopius) - This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie (killus veinius poopius) - The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie (gassius poopius) - It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie (drunkius poopius) - The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie (presidentis poopius) - The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Also see DEAD DROP POOPIE.

Corn Poopie (cornius poopius) - Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie (gee I wish I could poopius poopius) - The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie (screamus loudusly poopius) - That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (splashius assius poopius) - The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie (waterius poopius) - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie (foreignius poopius) - A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a pinata, and it smells so bad your nose burns.

Dead Drop Poopie (zombies poopius) - The biggest poopie of them all! A poopie so huge, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.

Nut Poopie (nutius poopius) - One of the most painful poopies in the whole history of poopie-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough. It can cause rectum cuts and 'Burn Trails.'

Shotgun Poopie (12-gaugius poopius) - A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.

Surprise Poopie (shitius on thyselfius poopius) - You're not even at the toilet because you are are sure you're about to fart, but oops! A poopie!

Dangling Poopie (klingonius poopius) - This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Three Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the big table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"

Hot Dogs!

This is a particularly funny picture to our family, because the dogs resemble my brother Timothy's dogs, Sasha (the light one) and Scooter (the dark one).

You'll Never Hear A Southerner Say...

Here are the top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they are:

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie Presley was lucky to catch Michael Jackson.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Elvis who?

Theories

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of all trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

CTR

A man was being tailgated by a woman on Foothill Boulevard in Salt Lake City. Suddenly, the light turned yellow. The gentleman did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman slammed on the brakes and leaned on the horn. She opened her window, stuck her hand out and made a gesture, all the while screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose The Right' license plate holder, the 'Families are Forever' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Angel Moroni emblem on the trunk...

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Welcome to Cachinnates!

I freely admit it, I stole the idea of a joke blog from Dubby. Of course, she wasn't the first one to come up with the idea either, but it was she who inspired me.

I hope you enjoy it!