A Few Thoughts On Cat Baths

"But you said you loved me!"



"You will pay, as God as my witness, you will pay."



"You call this water warm?!?"



"I don't think I like you anymore."



"You lied!"



"E.T. Phone Home... quick!"



"No, I'm not your 'good little kitty' anymore."



"Traction... I'm losing traction!"



"I want my Mommmmyyyyyyy!"



"No, no, no, no... NOOOOO!!!!!"

Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Makin' Money

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, when everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:

A 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign that said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another chap, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap, holding a sign that read "TIPS." There was a bucket of change at his feet.

Warning! Warning!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: Do not drive with sun shield in place.

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

Puzzled Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then
another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

How Smart Are You?

elow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only! Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
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Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Serving Suggestion

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands use to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey (abbreviate Wash. Biol. Surv.), until the agency received the following letter from a camper:

"Dear Sirs,

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.