Makin' Money

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, when everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:

A 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign that said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another chap, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap, holding a sign that read "TIPS." There was a bucket of change at his feet.

Warning! Warning!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: Do not drive with sun shield in place.

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

Puzzled Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then
another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"