Halloween Riddle #5

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?

Hilite for the answer ---> Because everyone was a goblin! <--- Hilite

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Halloween Joke #4

FUN THINGS TO DO ON HALLOWEEN

When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead, avoid non-nutritious candies and gums. Instead offer celery and blue cheese sauce platters. While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist (Note: House windows should be securely boarded before attempting).

Take care to choose a Halloween personae that lends itself to self-defense. A wicked witch with the trademark broom has a vast combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy.

When trying to choose an appropriate costume, be sure to select the darkest colors available. Go for black ninja suits or other non-reflective garb.

Costume accessories can really make the difference. Avoid using plastic props. Opt for real cutlery to stand out in the crowd.

And for little tikes, don't garb them in a white bed sheet that's bound to get tarnished! To cut Halloween budget corners, use white kitchen garbage bags. The costume also doubles as a large goodie bag, in the event that the feelings of asphyxiation simply become too unbearable for the youngster.

When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way dimly lit areas. Especially look for houses without *any* lights on. These are the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially authentic and eerie for little ghoulies.

If no unlit houses can be found in your area, you will be forced to approach the well-lighted houses. But don't knock on the door! Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or rustle around in crawl-spaces. The resident family will appreciate your sense of originality and will likely reward you handsomely.

You can also look for organized community events to entertain teens. Who can forget playing "Disintegrate The Mailbox," "Pumpkin Toss," "Teacher Toilet Paper Party," "Plastic Pumpkin Pillage," and "Pummel The Ghoulies."

Before bobbing for apples at your local Halloween carnival, fill your mouth brimming full with ketchup. When underwater, discharge the goo, then frantically jerk your head up out of the water screaming, "Razor! Razor!"

Halloween Riddle #4

What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?

Hilite for the answer ---> Home Moaners Insurance <--- Hilite

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Halloween Joke #3

HALLOWEEN RULES

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Halloween Riddle #3

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?

Hilite for the answer ---> Count Duckula! <--- Hilite

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Halloween Joke #2

Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Good gracious, Sir," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Halloween Joke #1

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Halloween Riddle #2

What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern?

Hilite for the answer ---> A Plumpkin <--- Hilite

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Halloween Riddle #1

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?

Hilite for the answer ---> When you're a mouse! <--- Hilite

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Adam and Eve

I don't think this is an exact quote, but as I understand it, this is one of Bill Cosby's routines. At any rate, it always brings a smile to my face every time I read it.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Sara's Favorite Joke

This is Sara's favorite joke:

What did the skeleton buy at the store?

Hilite for the answer ---> Spare Ribs! <--- Hilite for the answer

BWHAHAHAHAH!

Kitty Hygiene

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about kitty hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid so he can not escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Delivery Service

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to Heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.

We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"

The Missing Pen

A busy doctor, working at a hospital, stops to review a patient's chart. Needing to jot down a few notes, he reaches into his pocket for a pen but discovers that all he has is a thermometer.

"Hm," he ponders, "I wonder what asshole has my pen."